Thursday, May 10, 2012
It's a big deal. I think about what a big deal it is to me and I am the one who wants it and is initiating it. How big a deal must it be for the one I am seperating from. I am miserable, maybe even more miserable at the moment then before I started this process. But it's the right thing to do: for now, for both of us (even if he doesn't see it), and maybe for the future. There is so much good and so much bad, and they have become so intermixed and complicated that I find myself avoiding the whole situation all together. Avoiding him, avoiding our home, and, even though I never suceed at this one, avoiding thinking about him. I feel so very alone. I must make this choice for me, based off of what I know and what I feel and my experiences. This means I am the only one who even could know if this is the right decision. Others have thier opinions; some supportive, others not. But only my opinion matters when it really comes down to it, and can I trust myself that my decision is the right one when it makes him so sad? Is it my happiness verses his? And if so who am I to make this decision for him? Seperation is supposed to be a step, not a final outcome. It should be able to be temporary or permanent and lasting time dependent on the individuals involved in it. So why does it seem so final to him? And why do I find that so difficult to understand and deal with? "seperation" What the hell does it mean for us?