Thursday, May 10, 2012

Seperation

It's a big deal. I think about what a big deal it is to me and I am the one who wants it and is initiating it. How big a deal must it be for the one I am seperating from. I am miserable, maybe even more miserable at the moment then before I started this process. But it's the right thing to do: for now, for both of us (even if he doesn't see it), and maybe for the future. There is so much good and so much bad, and they have become so intermixed and complicated that I find myself avoiding the whole situation all together. Avoiding him, avoiding our home, and, even though I never suceed at this one, avoiding thinking about him. I feel so very alone. I must make this choice for me, based off of what I know and what I feel and my experiences. This means I am the only one who even could know if this is the right decision. Others have thier opinions; some supportive, others not. But only my opinion matters when it really comes down to it, and can I trust myself that my decision is the right one when it makes him so sad? Is it my happiness verses his? And if so who am I to make this decision for him? Seperation is supposed to be a step, not a final outcome. It should be able to be temporary or permanent and lasting time dependent on the individuals involved in it. So why does it seem so final to him? And why do I find that so difficult to understand and deal with? "seperation" What the hell does it mean for us?

Sunday, April 22, 2012

One day at a time

I keep meaning to use this blog again but I always let something get in the way. I am going to try to post at least something when I am wanting to. I have so much going on in my life that I need to figure out, and this is helpful. Especially because my Randy is having a hard time with me and I can't really use him to help me with certain situations. I just need to be careful not to turn to other people instead of him.

The point right now is that it's 5:45 am and I can't sleep. My mind is going a mile a minute and I feel like I am going to be sick at any moment from an intense feeling of guilt. Such a useless thing, this guilt. I feel guilty about things that I have no control over, things that maybe I should or shouldn't have done, everyday simple choices. Should I have put more sugar in the cup of tea I brought to a client this afternoon? Did I hurt a friends feelings when they called and I didn't recognize their voice immediately? Did I fill out my paperwork correctly? Everyday stuff that should not be putting me in panic mode. But I have been expertly trained to feel guilty for no reason and even though I have come a VERY long way in this area, it still comes back to haunt me sometimes. I am thinking about all the things I might have screwed up today and battling "turning off" my emotions altogether to escape my thoughts. But of course I can't really "turn off" at will anymore. Stupid emotions.

So, as always, it comes back to the kitchen. It's a mess, and I don't want to be in my own house because of the intensity of dirtiness surrounding me. So I do what I always do to cope. What I wish I didn't have to do but is the only way I know how to get myself out of this cycle: Get drunk and clean until I have worn myself out enough to the point where my body is too exhausted to stay awake.

Cheers!