One day at a time

I keep meaning to use this blog again but I always let something get in the way. I am going to try to post at least something when I am wanting to. I have so much going on in my life that I need to figure out, and this is helpful. Especially because my Randy is having a hard time with me and I can't really use him to help me with certain situations. I just need to be careful not to turn to other people instead of him.

The point right now is that it's 5:45 am and I can't sleep. My mind is going a mile a minute and I feel like I am going to be sick at any moment from an intense feeling of guilt. Such a useless thing, this guilt. I feel guilty about things that I have no control over, things that maybe I should or shouldn't have done, everyday simple choices. Should I have put more sugar in the cup of tea I brought to a client this afternoon? Did I hurt a friends feelings when they called and I didn't recognize their voice immediately? Did I fill out my paperwork correctly? Everyday stuff that should not be putting me in panic mode. But I have been expertly trained to feel guilty for no reason and even though I have come a VERY long way in this area, it still comes back to haunt me sometimes. I am thinking about all the things I might have screwed up today and battling "turning off" my emotions altogether to escape my thoughts. But of course I can't really "turn off" at will anymore. Stupid emotions.

So, as always, it comes back to the kitchen. It's a mess, and I don't want to be in my own house because of the intensity of dirtiness surrounding me. So I do what I always do to cope. What I wish I didn't have to do but is the only way I know how to get myself out of this cycle: Get drunk and clean until I have worn myself out enough to the point where my body is too exhausted to stay awake.

Cheers!