It started innocently enough: Emily said she felt like getting up and doing something and Randy began giving suggestions - all of which meant I would have to leave the comfort of my living room couch. When things started getting out of hand (there was talk of seeking out an "adventure") I explained how I was feeling about the situation. This is a goal of mine - to be assertive and listen to my body and emotions and clearly communicate my desires. "I don't want to move," I calmly explained. "I want to do something, and I am also sick of lying here, however I want to avoid moving at all costs." I felt I was being reasonable, I had made myself clear (even if it didn't quite make sense), however my two companions did not exactly respect my wishes...
After more conversation (and Randy and Emily foolishly trying to make me see logic and find things I would be motivated to move for) I made a dramatic declaration: "I just don't want to move!" They looked at me, looked at each other, then back at me. "Well than we will move you!" came the response. They immediately grabbed my feet and arms and began carrying me to the bathroom despite my many protests. After being deposited into the bathtub my husband began undressing me and asked my sister to grab him a sponge. Below is a replication of what I saw:
In this moment I realized that I was now perfectly fine in the bathtub and could take a shower independent of any more "help." In fact I was ready to go out and do things that required moving; even adventurous things! I was now in an environment where I knew what to do and there were plans for what would happen after that. Life was good.
I was also forced to recognize the ridiculousness of the entire situation. I had been adamantly avoiding having to move, however once it was done I was perfectly fine. I always knew I didn't like transistions, even the small ones such as moving from the bed to the living room or from my desk at work to the copy machine. But times where I know exactly what to expect due to it being an everyday routine (for example going to bed - one of my favorite transitions) are never a problem for me.
I spoke with my counselor about this issue later that week. It came up during a discussion about my lack of timeliness. My counselor is amazing and does an excellent job of taking things I know about myself and want to change, and then tying them to other things as well as pointing out just how flawed my logic is. I came away from our conversation feeling more knowledgeable about my behavior yet also wondering how I could possibly change it. When I was young things were always very unpredictable, and usually in the bad way. All my siblings would literally hide from the crazy woman who gave birth to us as much as possible because if we were noticed she would do something punishing to us. It might take the form of her giving us a chore, reprimanding us for one of any real or imagined wrongs we had done, or simply feeling guilt in her presence.
At this point I feel it is essential to point out that I am a behavioral consultant by profession and I think in terms of Antecedent - Behavior - Consequence constantly. The antecedent is whatever happened before the behavior we are looking at. The behavior is just that. And the consequence is whatever happened after the behavior. If the behavior increases in frequency than whatever the consequnce was was reinforcing (either positively by adding something "good" to the situation like giving the person something they want (candy?) or negitively by taking something "bad" away from the situation (stopping an annoying sound?). Conversely, if the behavior decreases in frequency than whatever the consequence was was punishing (either positively by adding something "bad" to the situation like an annoying sound, or negitively by taking away something they want (candy?)).
In the same way that money is reinforcing to me because it is consistently paired with things I want, the crazy woman who gave birth to me is punishing to me because she has been consistently paired with feeling guilt. To take it a step further, money is a secondary reinforcer for me and the crazy woman is a secondary punisher. Therefore, even being in the presence of this woman is punishing to me because of the history I have had with her, and I am sure this was true when I was a child as well.
To take this a step further this means that as a child, I was in constant fear of being in the crazy woman who birthed mes' presence, and any time I moved or transitioned from a location where she was absent, I was more likely to find myself in her presence. This inconsistently punished my behavior of transitioning or moving locations, making me less likely to transition and causing anxiety whenever I did.
Antecedent - being in a location absent of the crazy woman
Behavior - moving to a different location
Consequence - possibly being in the presence of the one who birthed me resulting in feeling guilty, getting chores, etc...
The outcome? My transitioning behavior has been punished over and over again resulting in a decrease in this behavior. I have had 17 years of my transitioning behavior being punished; no wonder I avoid it as much as I do!
The question I have now is this: how am I to undo 17 years of history?
