Week 2 = Goals Met!

Yep, this is the second week of my "self improvement" (aka - trying to regain and maintain my sanity) and I have met my goals both weeks! The requirements are getting slightly more difficult, but I think I can handle it. I have a bag of neatly wrapped sexy panties and a box of fun make-ups to choose from each week that I meet my goals so I am pretty motivated!

Anyway, here the next picture I would like to talk about:

At the time of this picture I was in awe. I took this photo because when I saw this waterfall it was truly the most beautiful thing (at the time...possibly due to some mind altering substances) that I had ever seen. I couldn't take my eyes from it. I was standing in front of this waterfall not caring that I was with a group of people who were ready to move on or that I was probably looking rather dumb and disproportionately engrossed with the sight. This is quite a feat for me - I have been trained since the day of my birth to be aware of others needs and avoid upsetting others or even bringing attention to myself in any way. But here I didn't worry about such things as I typically do. Here I simply enjoyed the moment. I also realized that I love water. I love the way it flows, the way it feels, the way it reacts to the environment. Whenever I see a work of art that has water flowing in or on it in some way I have always yearned to feel it and touch it. It holds special meaning for me.

I do not have many memories of my childhood, but each one that I do have is very important to me. Perhaps because I remember so little... When I was younger I would frequently get in trouble because I would take too long in the shower. "You should never need more than two minutes tops to do what needs to be done in there!" I was told. But I only recently remembered why I loved the shower and the reason I wanted as much time as possible in that small space. I had forgotten that in the shower I was a powerful Goddess! I ruled the water and bent it to do my will. With a flick of my wrists I sent searing droplets against my enemies, my hair had a life of it's own with the power of the waters flow, and my body was caressed by the hot wetness in a way that made me feel beautiful. But most importantly, with one backward step, I ceased to exist in the world of solids. I was one with the water, melding with it as my tears ran in small streams to the larger puddle at my knees.

I am thankful that I have this memory, even as I type it is difficult to keep my eyes dry. My tears gave me power then, but do they do the same now? I have a multitude of coping mechanisms that saved my life as a child, but they are not effective now. Now I CAN feel instead of turning off. I don't have to cry in an attempt to dissolve  into the world around me. I can feel. I should feel. I don't want to, but it is no longer needed for me to turn off. After all, no one can hurt a Goddess.

I have no idea what I am doing...

Quite literally. Right now. Although what I am trying to figure out is how to do this whole life thing. Now don't get me wrong, I am a living person (I know many who might immediately picture a crazed and confused Zombie writing this blog). However, apparently I am doing my "living" the wrong way. To be clear, "wrong" is not the "right" word, but it's the word I am using.

Let me explain: I grew up in a somewhat upside down world. "What is a right side up world?" one might ask, "doesn't it all depend on what Continent we live on and even then isn't the idea of up and down irrelevant in space*?" "Why yes, that's a very good point!" I would respond and after thinking on it I would have to find a different approach. Let the thinking commence....
(and yes I am having a conversation with myself here...I guarantee this won't be the first time)


Perhaps the best way to explain is to start with information on the cause of my current distress; my "mother."  She gave birth to me and I lived in the same house as her for 17 years so in that sense she is my mother, however from this point on I will refer to her as "the crazy woman who gave birth to me." It is much more fitting - trust me.

And now another problem arises with beginning my explanation for my current state by explaining the root of my problems - you see I don't want to talk about the crazy woman who gave birth to me. And in fact, I don't have to! I have a Doctor's note to prove it. In fact, I have a Doctor's note saying that I need time off work due to my diagnoses. That's kinda why I'm writing this. I am using this time off to learn how to live life the "right" way, but this task is proving difficult.

And really what I am only now realizing is that I cannot explain the unexplainable. I don't even understand what I lived through so how could I make someone else understand it? Yuck :P


Next idea: I will just skip the introduction and go straight to the point of this! Who cares if it all seems out of the blue, stupid, and doesn't make a bit of sense! This is mine so I will make it functional for me.

Here is a picture:

The picture itself is not important. What's important is what I was doing while I took this picture. I was feeling. REALLY feeling. I was crying because that is how my body responds when I feel emotions. Lately I have been crying a lot because I am feeling more and more. But the difference between this moment and the one before is that in this moment I WANTED to feel. I didn't try to wipe my tears away. I didn't disassociate or "turn off" as I like to call it. My crying didn't escalated into a panic attack. I just let it happen. I tried to identify what emotion I was feeling and why, and I think I did a pretty good job. I was feeling relief. I had been having a really tough time at work and I was on my way home from the job I love for the last time this month. I was getting the break I needed so much, and although I felt like I was weak and failing at life, I also was so relieved that I was going to be able to have time to really work things out without it negatively affecting my clients. I realized I was free of obligations, free of having to play a part, free to learn who I am outside of work, but mostly, I was free to really FEEL.


*Note: It always seemed strange to me that on Star Trek spaceships were always oriented the same way when they met in space. Wouldn't it be much more realistic the see the Klingon Bird of Prey approach the Starship Enterprise at a 95 degree angle?