Let me explain: I grew up in a somewhat upside down world. "What is a right side up world?" one might ask, "doesn't it all depend on what Continent we live on and even then isn't the idea of up and down irrelevant in space*?" "Why yes, that's a very good point!" I would respond and after thinking on it I would have to find a different approach. Let the thinking commence....
(and yes I am having a conversation with myself here...I guarantee this won't be the first time)
Perhaps the best way to explain is to start with information on the cause of my current distress; my "mother." She gave birth to me and I lived in the same house as her for 17 years so in that sense she is my mother, however from this point on I will refer to her as "the crazy woman who gave birth to me." It is much more fitting - trust me.
And now another problem arises with beginning my explanation for my current state by explaining the root of my problems - you see I don't want to talk about the crazy woman who gave birth to me. And in fact, I don't have to! I have a Doctor's note to prove it. In fact, I have a Doctor's note saying that I need time off work due to my diagnoses. That's kinda why I'm writing this. I am using this time off to learn how to live life the "right" way, but this task is proving difficult.
And really what I am only now realizing is that I cannot explain the unexplainable. I don't even understand what I lived through so how could I make someone else understand it? Yuck :P
Next idea: I will just skip the introduction and go straight to the point of this! Who cares if it all seems out of the blue, stupid, and doesn't make a bit of sense! This is mine so I will make it functional for me.
Here is a picture:
The picture itself is not important. What's important is what I was doing while I took this picture. I was feeling. REALLY feeling. I was crying because that is how my body responds when I feel emotions. Lately I have been crying a lot because I am feeling more and more. But the difference between this moment and the one before is that in this moment I WANTED to feel. I didn't try to wipe my tears away. I didn't disassociate or "turn off" as I like to call it. My crying didn't escalated into a panic attack. I just let it happen. I tried to identify what emotion I was feeling and why, and I think I did a pretty good job. I was feeling relief. I had been having a really tough time at work and I was on my way home from the job I love for the last time this month. I was getting the break I needed so much, and although I felt like I was weak and failing at life, I also was so relieved that I was going to be able to have time to really work things out without it negatively affecting my clients. I realized I was free of obligations, free of having to play a part, free to learn who I am outside of work, but mostly, I was free to really FEEL.
*Note: It always seemed strange to me that on Star Trek spaceships were always oriented the same way when they met in space. Wouldn't it be much more realistic the see the Klingon Bird of Prey approach the Starship Enterprise at a 95 degree angle?
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